


Lost (and Found Again)

by ohmymcgrath



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hopeful Ending, Lena visits her Supergirl statue, Post S03E19: The Fanatical, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 03:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14741187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmymcgrath/pseuds/ohmymcgrath
Summary: It was self preservation that had made her try to cut things off between them. Her desperate attempt to shield herself from losing someone she couldn't bear to lose. But she was too much a part of her for Lena to ever be able to let her go. Not fully. Not really.





	Lost (and Found Again)

**Author's Note:**

> For @littlemachine_. Thanks for the inspiration, lovely.
> 
> I actually intended to make this a lighthearted little fic about a very drunk Lena throwing rocks at her Supergirl statue. I have no idea how it turned into this lol. I suppose I just really, really want these two to talk and work through their feelings... 
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone xx

Lena squeezed her fingers so tightly around the rock in her hand that she could feel her skin burn, could feel the sharp edges dig into her palm and threaten to draw blood. She didn't care. The release might help, in fact, might distract her from the pain that she could feel welling in her chest and making everything clench so tightly that she felt she might explode. 

Instead, she ground her teeth together, drew her arm back, and then launched the rock forward with as much strength as she could manage.

The loud _clang_ it made as it struck metal made her shiver. The sound, a bit like nails on a chalkboard, seemed to vibrate through her. Lena took a great deal of satisfaction in it, in the tiny scuff it left behind on the statue of Supergirl that she'd practically built herself. 

A mirthless chuckle danced through the quiet air around her, and it took her a long moment to realize that the sound came from her. It took her even longer to recall the last time she had laughed.

_Inspiration. Mentor. Friend._

So, so much more than that.

She swiped the bottle of scotch from its spot beside her and took a generous gulp. It slid down her throat with ease and she reveled in the burn that followed, in the way her head clouded just a tiny bit more. She didn't care that it made it her wobble on her feet. She simply kicked her heels off behind her and searched for another rock.

She found a small cluster of them in one of the planters nearby, scooped them all into her palm.

A frenzy started to manifest in her bones, spreading until it made her skin itch and her eyes burn as she tried to blink away the memory of the day she had unveiled the very statue before her, the pride she'd felt that a Super had chosen _her_.

The alcohol, while comforting, made it harder for her to keep her walls intact. The walls she needed to block out the image of the hurt on Supergirl's face when she threw their friendship in her face. The walls she needed to keep her tears at bay.

They spilled over her cheeks despite her command for them not to. A few strayed over her jaw to fall onto the rocks in her hand and she could see the dark spots they left behind even though it was well past midnight and the scattered lamps were barely enough to make out the features of Supergirl's face. Not that she needed the light for that, of course. She knew every curve and angle; the small dimple in her cheek, the brightness carved into her eyes. Even the scar between her eyebrows. She could trace them in her sleep.

She doesn't know if the fact brings her more comfort or pain; the ease with which she could summon her face to her mind. 

Her hands were shaking. They shook as she started slipping individual rocks into her free palm and then started throwing them at the statue looming before her; taunting her with everything she wanted and couldn't have, everything she'd had and didn't deserve. Each one left a new scuff in its wake and each one broke her heart just a little bit more.

_Inspiration. Mentor. Friend._

She sobbed when it was over, fell to her knees in a slump of defeat that would make Lillian's lip curl with disgust. But Lena couldn't find it in herself to care, couldn't have stopped her tears if she tried, so she just let them fall as she buried her face in her knees and tried to curl her body around the hollowness in her heart.

She was certain she was alone, had made sure of it when she arrived. Her security team didn't even know she was here. She'd snuck out of her building like some kind of criminal, desperate for the darkness and the quiet and the need to see some version of _her_  that wouldn't judge her. So she flinched when a warm hand brushed against her shoulder. She couldn't say how, exactly, but some part of her knew who it was before she ever raised her eyes. She tried to slip everything back into place, tried to pull forth the mask that had served her so well for so long. But she just _couldn't_. She was too tired, too empty, to pretend to be anything but broken.

She heard her name whispered, felt the tremble in the fingers against her shoulder. As if they wanted to reach for her as badly as she wanted to curl into them.

She turned her head slightly into the touch, just the smallest sign of consent but all she could manage. It was enough for the woman beside her. A pair of strong arms wrapped around her, pulled her closely into a space so warm that Lena could barely stand it. At the same time, it was the closest to safe she had felt in ages. So she didn't think about the consequences or the implications, she just turned her face into Supergirl's chest and let her cape block out the rest of the world.

For a moment, it was everything.

And then everything came back. The lies, the secrets, the broken trust. The terrible things they'd both said and the rift that was forming, almost impassable, between them.

She could feel the same battle in the woman beside her. There was a storm raging on her face - so much care and yet so much pain - and her touch wasn't the same. A tumultuous mix of desperation and gentleness that never quite managed to rectify itself and so she was both holding on too tight and yet not tight enough. There had never been such an imbalance between them, such uncertainty.

Lena wished she knew how to fix it. 

It was self preservation that had made her try to cut things off between them. Her desperate attempt to shield herself from losing someone she couldn't bear to lose. But she was too much a part of her for Lena to ever be able to let her go. Not fully. Not really. And so they floated in this strange place of inbetween; their hearts at odds with their heads, a lifetime of habit battling with how easy it would be to surrender to the other. 

She must have had more to drink than she realized because she didn't even notice they'd moved until Supergirl was suddenly letting her go and Lena blinked open a pair of bleary eyes and realized that cold cement had been replaced by the soft comforter of her bed, the marina now the familiar walls of her apartment. Lena felt herself sway from the sudden change and Supergirl put a steadying hand on her shoulder, a look of concern on her face that, somehow, hurt more than anything.

Maybe it was because of the care Lena could see behind it. Care she felt, too. Hurting was so much worse when you cared.

There was a long moment of quiet, one where Lena wished she knew the right thing to say. She opened her mouth more than once only to shut it again, all the words - of anger, of hurt, of apology, of forgiveness - so mixed up inside her that, in the end, nothing came out. 

Supergirl still had her hand on her shoulder. 

"You gave me a bit of myself back that day," Supergirl said quietly. Her voice sounded rough, like she was on the verge of crying. "When you built that statue. Seeing it, I... I knew I couldn't be completely lost if I had you."

The tears were back. Lena squeezed her fists around her comforter and tried desperately to swallow them down.

"You mean more to me than you'll ever know." She couldn't quite meet Lena's eyes. "I never, ever meant to hurt you, Lena."

It was the sight of a tear spilling over Supergirl's cheek that broke her. Because buried beneath her bravado and her crest and her red cape was a woman, a woman whom Lena loved with every inch of who she was. And she couldn't bear seeing that sadness - that weight - on _her_. She wasn't born for darkness or doubt. She was born for the sun.

Lena's throat felt like sandpaper when she swallowed, as raw and as painful as the crack in her heart. The one filled with everything that lay broken between them and everything left unsaid. The pieces she had tried so hard not to put together because she didn't want them to be true.

"You broke my heart, you know," she whispered.

Supergirl sighed, let her hand fall away from Lena's side.

"I know."

There was resignation in her voice. Lena didn't know why it surprised her so much, but it did. It seemed to surprise her, too.

"I know." This time, more determined. "And I will spend every day trying to make it up to you. Trying to fix this. E-Even if... Even if you hate me."

Silence, then. Silence, like the edge of a precipice, with so much hanging in the balance. Lena didn't even realize that she'd already made a decision. But she knew. Knew what she wanted, knew which path she needed to take. Knew, and would grab it with both hands and never let go.

_I can't lose her._

"I could never hate you, Kara. I love you too much."

The words settled between them like, if not absolution, then promise. 

Lena reached for her, intertwined their fingers and held on tight.

_We can get through this_ , it said. 

Without letting go, Kara floated behind her, wrapping her arms around Lena's waist and holding her; warm, safe, loved. They were both shaking, too close to what might have been (what could still be). But understanding and forgiveness hovered in the air around them and Kara's hands squeezed both of hers. Sure. Certain. There.

_We_ will _get through this_ , it said.


End file.
